Surrender isn’t easy for me.

My climber friend, Reagan, was gracious enough to chat over a hot coffee about my Kilimanjaro climb.  He’s totally an expert climber.   After filling me with his thoughtful counsel, he ends with this definitive statement….

“Kristen, you cannot charge this Mountain.”

His wise words hung heavily in the air and have stuck with me since.  First, because he clearly knows me very well.  Secondly, because I need to remind myself of this fact.  Daily.  On this Mountain climb and in my life.

I like to charge things, to conquer, to win, to achieve, to work hard and persevere.  There are a few words I have lived my life hating…quit, surrender, fail…you get the idea.

A few weeks ago, Kevin, my encourager, and I climbed Mount Massive in Colorado as training for Kili.  Let’s just say this little adventure did not go as I expected.

It’s not like I thought this climb would be a walk in the park, but I also didn’t expect a total surrender on my way to the Top.  Mount Massive is a 14,421 foot mountain in the Holy Cross mountain range.  Our eight mile climb would span nine hours and more than 4,500 feet of altitude gain.

Excitedly we adventure out, the first mile we progress along the peaceful valley floor with the majestic peak in our view.  We meander through gigantic pine trees taller than any Rockefeller Tree and climb only a moderate incline until we come to a place our Guide affectionately calls, the Stairs.

I look up and almost gasp out loud, as a real never ending stairway to heaven extends before us.  Huge flat rocks painstaking maneuvered by climbers and trail makers to resemble a set of stairs.  No turning back now, we ascend straight up, with only a few switchbacks, for over a mile and a half.

As the Stairs come to an abrupt end, we are face to face with the last grueling mile and a half to the Top.  When I first see them, massive boulders haphazardly thrown down the Mountain by nature, I urgently want to turn and go back down the Stairs.  Insanity…boulders as far as my eyes can see.  Immediately, I thank God for Kevin’s wisdom in hiring a Guide because there was no view of any trail before us.  Not even a glimpse of the Top.

We must charge forward…I try to keep up the pace, my pace.   My thoughts taunting me, You should be able to climb faster than this.  But each time I charge forward, my heart races out of control and my head pounds.  I stop, wait and start again, pushing forward at the same exact pace.

We are at 13,000 feet in the middle of the Boulders.  I know all the signs of altitude sickness but convince myself I am fine and this will soon pass.  Just keep climbing.

Frustrated with myself…why can’t I keep up?  I’ve been training for this…my head throbs …my heart aches, until I have no breath and stop again.

I am not going to make it.  I am scared, I want to quit.  I am done, defeated and discouraged!

God has called me to climb Kilimanjaro, this is supposed to be my training and I am failing.  In this moment, I feel like Moses.  In my head, I cry out, send someone else; someone younger.  Send someone else; someone stronger.  Send someone else; someone qualified.       

But I begin to listen as Kevin has been repeating these words over and over, “You’re doing great…just keep going.”

Hebrews 10:24 tells us “to spur one another on”.  Life is just hard, we need to encourage and be encouraged.  I need to be spurred on!

Thankfully, God gives us encouragers at just the right time to guide and inspire us to just take one more step.  Especially when we are stuck among the boulders and we can’t see the TOP.

Honestly, I don’t want to keep going, I want to lay down on a stone pillow and go to sleep.  Please, Lord, send someone else.  Placing one foot in front of the other, my steady encourager continues to speak behind me… Just keep going.

Surrender now demands now that I let go.  I am trying to do this on my own…in my own strength.  Listening to my instructions, I slow my pace and begin to take very purposeful steps.  One step at a time, not sure I will make it to the top.

During the impossibly hard “uphill” parts in my life, my divorce, illness and death, and my children suffering, I am forced to slow my own pace.  But, I run headlong to God, because during these seasons just one step forward requires incredible faith, strength and perseverance.  And I realize I cannot do this alone.

We just push forward.

The final snowy and freezing steps to the Top of Mount Massive are agonizing, but we make it.  The Top is not quite as picturesque and peaceful as I planned either.  We quickly snap a celebration picture and almost immediately we are assaulted by a forty mile and hour wind gust which forces us to our knees.  Yet, another reminder that I am not in control.

Finally at the summit, I am truly amazed, but also somewhat indifferent to the Top.  Maybe it’s the altitude sickness clouding my brain but I can’t help wondering if my adventure is more about the journey, and challenge climbing up the mountain and not just what it looks like from the Top.

On the way down, I begin to recover, the headache wanes and my steps quicken.  Once more, I say, send someone else.  And I feel this response in my heart, I am sending you.

God is always speaking…am I listening?   The Bible says, God speaks and we don’t even recognize HIS voice.  (Job 33:14)

This is me, He is always speaking, it just takes me a while to hear and believe it’s HIM.  This is a part of my journey up the mountain, believing in a God who loves me enough to sing over me, speak to me, with HIS words, songs and HIS people to get me one more step with HIM.

Kilimanjaro is a six day climb with its peak over 19,900 feet.  The only way I will make it to the TOP of Kili is to learn to fully depend on HIM.  Make it or not, the year long journey to get there has been my true adventure.

Ultimately, just as He provided for me on Mount Massive, He will provide for me on Kilimanjaro.

And surrender, well, I have learned that surrender is actually freedom when I know and trust the God that is speaking to me.

And we climb on!