The name Hephzibah is written in small script on my back. Hardly anyone knows it’s there. I have no issues with tattoos or judgement about those who get them. It just wasn’t something I had ever considered for myself.
My traditional conservative Midwest upbringing and banker profession certainly led me to this place. Truly, I am much more comfortable (or maybe I just feel more in control) in high heels and a tailored dress or suit than just about anything else. Subscribing to the whole, the clothes make the woman…and a first impression is everything.
In fact, it took me an extensive amount of time to be “ok” wearing jeans to church. And even now, when I do, I feel compelled to dress them up them with a great pair of heals.
When my middle daughter, Rachel, saw my tattoo for the first time, by accident…she cried, “Mommy, what have you done to your beautiful body?” I love her heart for mine. I had my reasons but explaining God had given me a “new name” proved to be challenging for a twelve year old to fully grasp. And I was still taking in all that it meant for me.
A name is very important. In fact, all of the names chosen for my daughters have special meaning, purpose and legacy. I love to share with my girls where their names came from.
My oldest daughter’s first name is a beloved family friend and her middle name is my maiden name. My middle’s name is one of the names that I was to be named. I always loved it, after both of my grandmothers. And my youngest’s name carries the legacy of her two great great grandmas.
It’s not that I needed a new name. I love my name. When people call me by my name it’s incredibly personal, it sings to my heart. I never went through that awkward teenage phase where kids hate their name. Kristen means, “Follower of Christ”. My name gave me a sense of who I was and how I was grounded.
Even though I grew up with a firm foundation, my identity was often rocked by circumstances; mostly stemming from the fact that I did not “like” to let God have control of my life and I didn’t trust God’s heart towards mine.
If I am being honest, at over forty years old, I was really unsure of who I was. If I wasn’t a wife or a full time mom, or a banker, then who was I? Years of people pleasing and perfectionism drove my decisions; the idea of who I was supposed to be.
Most of my life, I have gone back and forth. There are moments when I feel I am “not enough” and I push myself to strive harder to accomplish more.
Working forty hours a week while going to school and laser focused on making straight A’s. Later, molding myself to be one of the “guys” to excel at work and struggling to be the perfect supermom/super wife at the same time. The messages came through loud and clear, You are not strong enough, pretty enough, smart enough. You are not capable.
Or the times when I was “too much”. Emotional, soft and tender. The outcome was often pain, rejection and abandonment. Being “too much” was not an option and so I hid my vulnerable, true authentic self.
Divorce rocked me to my very core and reinforced every wound that told me I was “not enough” and I was “too much.” Everything I planned so perfectly for my life, worked so hard for my family, I felt I had failed at.
In the Bible, when God gives people a new name they signal transformation, and a restoration. The Roman Warrior Saul is transformed to Paul, “Small or Humble”, Abram and Sarai who have no children, are forever changed to Abraham, “Father to Many”, and Sarah, “Mother of Nations”, Simon becomes Peter, “Rock”, and you get the idea.
Were these names bestowed foreshadowing God’s plan, or were they given along with a challenge to live up to that Call? I wanted both a transformation and a restoration. I needed a new name, a reminder of who He already said I was in HIS eyes.
The first year after my divorce I ran to God, head-on. I was looking for HIM and reading the Bible was part of my journey. I couldn’t get enough of HIS words. It was counsel, comfort and I was learning.
I never imagined I could read the Bible all the way through…it was too hard, too confusing, and sometimes very, very boring. Seriously, have you ever tried to read Leviticus?
Up every morning at 4am anyway, soaking in God’s word. It became therapy for my soul. My heart was being healed. It was on one of these very mornings, when I read Isaiah 62:1-6.
“You will get a brand-new name straight from the mouth of God. You’ll be a stunning crown in the palm of God’s hand, a jeweled cup held high in the hand of your God. No more will anyone call you Rejected, and your country will no more be called Ruined. You will be called Hephzibah (My Delight) and your land Beulah.”
My Delight? My heart rate quickened at those words and heat began to rise up inside me. At that moment, I was a little girl again lovingly scooped up and put to rest on my father’s knee. Washing over me was a sweet affirmation from my Daddy; one every little girl longs to have.
My mind began to race and something inside of me was pushing me to seek more. I had never heard that name or read this part of scripture. I googled “Hephzibah”.
As if I had just received the most precious gift, these words were whispered into the deep wounds of my heart …..“my delight is in you”. Warm healing tears flowed down my cheeks. Did I even know that my Heavenly Father delights in me?
This realization was almost more than I could bear. It was bigger than my divorce. He was redeeming. All the shame and hiding were healing…melting away. The years of feeling like I was “not enough” and I was “too much.” Years of fearing being abandon and years of satan’s lies attempting to confirm that fact with every wound I ever had.
I wanted the tattoo as both a prayer and an identity. God gave me a new name, but I had a decision to make. Would I accept it? It was my choice to meet the challenge, take the risk, enter the ring, step up to the plate. I had to declare, “Put me in, Coach”. It was my job to answer the call.
And each time I hear “I am not enough” or “I am too much”, I get to decide once again if I will believe and trust HIM.
God delights in me, now plays in my head. Not because of anything I have done, not because I am reading the bible, writing a blog, or even climbing a mountain, but because of who He is.
I didn’t have to earn it, or work for it and I don’t have to hide because I could never lose His delight in me. Shame is done; I am enough and I am never too much for Him to take.
I also didn’t need to have, Hephzibah, tattooed on my back, but it is a reminder every time I see it. A mark of HIS Promise for me…HIS delight IS in me.
Yes, I wanted a brand new name! He has given me a new name. I have let go of the old and I have grabbed hold of something new. Exactly who He made me to be, “A stunning crown in the palm of HIS hand.”
This is beautiful Kristen! You are called by name! God s good! I want to get a tatoo now! Maybe a sunflower!?
Hephzibah, Kristen,
How Beautiful! Indeed, The Father delights in you!
Thank you for sharing your heart with us through your blog!! God is good, all the time God is good!!!!
Love You friend!
You are a stunning crown in the palm of His hand!
Cathy
WOW!!!
I read this and it brought tears to my eyes. My mother passed a way when my twin sister and I were very young. We lived with my paternal Aunt and Uncle who would let us spend our summers with my Grandparents in Kentucky. My grandmother read the bible and prayed with us every evening before we went to bed. She loved God and was a glorious example to all who knew her.
Before we would leave the farm to go back home she would hug me and tell me that I was her Sarah and that she needed to remind me that I had a gentle spirit and a heart full of love and compassion and to always walk with God because He had plans for my life.
I haven’t thought about her words since childhood. Your blog brougt them back to me. At the time I though she was teasing me because she knew that was not my name. We stopped going to the farm after my Grandfather passed away and I did not get to spend much time with my Grandmother after he passed. I always felt safe and loved in their home. I didn’t feel inferior there nor was I labeled the “bad twin” in their home. I only felt love and tenderness there. I was so blessed to have such a strong and loving influence in my life.
Thank you for sending this to me. It was a beautiful reminder of Gods love for us. You are a stunning crown in the palm of His hand.
Thank you
Kristen… The reason that I found your blog is because all year I have been living under the shame of not being enough or worthy of God’s love or being chosen by Him. I went through the same journey. I begged for Him to give me a new name like he gave Sarah and Abraham and Paul and to use that as a sign of my restoration to Him after a hard season of wandering… I knew that my name Rebekah which means Snare is not fully representative of who I am. So I begged God to give me a new name that told me who I am. So I was at a bethel concert two nights ago and the song “Ever Be” came on and there is a line that says “Now you’re making me like you clothing me in white bringing beauty from ashes for you will have your bride free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame and known by her true name” I was overwhelmed in my heart because that is what I have been begging the Lord for. So yesterday I was at my desk at work and started looking up images of those lyrics to put on my work computer desktop. I find an image that references Isaiah 62:4 and so I looked it up and was overwhelmed as I read and knew that God was telling me that this was my new name.. His delight is in me… and immediately I had a picture in my head of a tattoo of that name on my body in a place that would rarely ever be seen by others but for me alone as a reminder of who God says I am… Mind you I have no tattoos and I am 33 years old. I never planned on getting a tattoo but all day I have been looking up tattoos of Hephzibah mostly in Hebrew script but that is how I came upon this pic of your tattoo and just randomly clicked on it and was sent to your blog. I just feel like reading your blog is another affirmation of how huge God is and of the promises that God has made to His Bride and to us as the Church as a whole. I love that we get to be His Bride and that He delights in us individually and intimately tells us this and delights in us as His Church and as His Bride!!!
Rebekah, Thank you so much for your post to me! You have encouraged me more than you could ever imagine. God is so good and I am blown away at how He loves us! Thank you so much for sharing with me your story. Praise God and all the Glory and Praise goes to HIM. You are clothed in white..and made NEW.